It was so hard, knowing what I want, deciding which way to step into I lost alot,
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I was shocked myself, I didn't realize that until a very later hour of the night, I used to come running to see those pictures, those pictures that were buried by time, and covered by the dust of oblivion, I was shocked not because I have changed, but by the carelessness I felt towards those pictures, I didn't even bother to check them, to see my picture, or ours, I never did that before, utterly weird but true, those pictures were somehow a memorable shadow, a dark ghost that haunts my graveyard, and remembering by now, how I conflicted myself, and denied many things to believe the lies you used to tell , now I'm seeing the same figures of the past, I'm awake, I'm in control, just like lucid dreaming I know, this is reality and that is a show, those pictures never lose their meanings, those valuable moments in time will never be lost, as much as human beings lose meaning of love, respect, compassion and trust.
"What's worse, new wounds which are so painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not always the case is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again."
Broken doors
Memories cause you heartache, they are pictures that never change, smells that never fade, and people we used to knock their doors in the middle of the night awaiting for comfort, hot summer days that always felt the same, breezy and pure , cold winter nights that felt cozy with their presense, the taste of the food while dining, to move on doesnt mean to throw the pictures away, or burn them, to move on is to lock them with a secure locker and throw its key deep in the ocean, to let it go doesnt mean closing the doors, but knowing well they’ve been broken once, to let go means being strong enough to throw the key, and to fix the door, to let go is to grow stronger”
Inner self
By then, you lose all meanings of human good deeds, human good interactions, by then you move to a phase where you cannot really think about good intentions, you lose the meaning of good people around, and jump into a phase where you only know that within each person lies a bad, wicked, unrelieved hatred, you close your eyes to the good things, you close your eyes and realize there are much more secrets hidden inside their hearts and brains, all the good meanings and energies you as an innocent child used to believe in, start to lose their meanings and fade by time, the meaning of love, friendship, partnership, those were lies told to us to think people can be good, can love you, can sacrifice much for you, but eventually you step into a higher level of reality, the only stable reality that focuses on you, only you. After a while, you start to meet them again, you laugh, you do the daily-checklist with them, but at the end of the day, down on the list, you only choose the comfortable
I never thought I might experience this, but I knew it, it was there outside, standing at my doorstep, knocking,,, I decided to ignore, I decided to hold on, I realized carefully and patently, how easier it is now to let go, where back in time I couldn't bear the idea , but the strings that attached my heart, got really tired, the chains that used to tie friendships by all meaning of innocent love, with no conditional efforts, the soulful friendship chains become loose, rotten, dark, rusty enough to be broken, I regret, though I hate to admit this, the five years of my life, the five years wasted on lies, now I can say trusting people is a matter of insanity, human beings are destructive, evil and self loving creatures, I lost my trust in all the meanings of friendship, love, good deeds done by others, I only can see now, is the negative nature is a only a reflection of human beings thoughts, I only trust God, nature, myself, at least the three of those, promised something and
My Gothic graveyard
And then, the lies you really used to believe, are now uncovered, clear, known, you wish you can say more than what youre writing but you prefer to hold it back, you deny yourself beliefs to reach to a lie told by their sweet lips, not a deaf to lies anymore, I can tell now, which matters and which doesnt, I love you the most, my soulful soul, my prettiest illusion, my dearest family member, I love you enough to realize the illusion you created around me, a part of me still struggles on your tombstone, crying and weeping, for you to come back to life, but the grave yard is a real one, deep inside my heart, Im not shocked, no but I thought, Im still the same special person like I used to be around you; but when "you" isnt the same, I cant relate myself anymore, to you. I wish I can say more, but no words to describe the mixed feelings I got, I wish
Because I lose myself too much in the pictures, I forbid myself to see, to feel or even to remember, by finding blinded activities, that are senseless, emotionless and full of lies, I want so bad to go back and see, and therefore I find myself cuffed with the chains of pain, unable to move back, or even to look there, a heavy breath I try to inhale surrounded by motionless fears, consumed by the thoughts of miserable childhood that left me without a sparkle of trust of any human being, or by the unconditional excessive love that left me in pain and fear of moving forward, painted by nightmares of losing my origin, my parents, my beloved ones, of losing myself a heavy river of negative feelings shakes my memory, of a lonely child, that have been left alone, repressed with her own thoughts, of carelessness of surroundings, repressed hatred she struggled, Unheard words she used to shout, to no avail, each time, I change the way of thinking, I know, I realize that I should carefu
Couldn't really describe the feeling, it was going normally, woke up that morning, had my cup of morning coffee, and drove my way to the other home; some place Im forced to be at, everyday for four years in a raw, I had an imaginary scene of how this day will be, but never thought it might come so soon, I payed my 750 fils and I parked my car, called my friend, met her, and had the first lecture, some friend of school days showed up, she's a really good mate, we took pictures, we laughed, they attended their lectures and I went to meet other friends, on my way, I looked down, the streets, the buildings, the glass, the weather, the trees, everything around me, became a part of my past, part of the picture, Oh how I wish I can go back in time, and start all over again, even with those worst days, bad moods, unfaithful friends and out of comfort zone people, the tests, the exams, every thing related to those four years, this is the part of growing up, while you're doing it y