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Sunday, June 1, 2014

I am lost in life somehow


There are too many things I am capable of doing, But I really cant seem to get any done, I do not even try, I believe I have depression, not a severe case, but at least I know I took some of the genes ( unfortunately ) from my father who seems to have it to a very complicated and severe case, I don’t know if this is the crisis of 20’s, or its only something I suffer from, I cant seem to find a path, its all blurry and dark, I am always confused and indecisive whether I want this or I don’t. I wake up everyday feeling useless, my mind is always a blank, I sip my morning coffee and think about the outfit of the day for work, nothing interesting or exciting, just boring routine every single day, and each time I want to quit smoking I find myself more indulged into the idea of dying early, I already have nothing and no one to cling on, I have a gift I do not use, or to be more precise I am not inspired enough to use it. I am out of ideas, and there is where I hit rock bottom. I am currently working, and the owner of the company; my boss gave me the chance of establishing my own company but by creating a proposal or idea to him, which I cant seem to figure out because back in my life I used to be lead in my family, I never decided a thing or took the responsibility of my own decision. Not even once, I was not the favourite child, though I was the only girl that followed 3 guys in my family, my dad hated me, my mom is my only person that attaches me to home. Striking a conversation with a stranger isn’t easy at all, I never got used to that, especially when I grew up, I wanted to talk to strangers, because they seem to be more interested in my than my family. I just wanted someone to take care of me.

Monday, May 26, 2014

“I have healed, though it took me a very long time to feel good again, to feel like I am worth the breaths I take, I healed… I spent a very long time thinking about my insecurities, drowning in my fears and nightmares, of the thoughts that you will be gone, and far away from me, I actually healed but not completely, I still feel the reminiscences of your smell all over my senses, your fragility, your bipolarity, your everything is on my skin,I was forced to let go, and I healed again, going back then, it felt like you’re tied to a very huge anchor and thrown into the deep ocean, you struggle, cry and you panic, thinking you will be exhaling the very last breaths of air, and in those coming moments, you surrender leaving it all behind, and in those moments of peace, your heart rests and your brain shuts off, a complete surrender to the peace inside, and by surprise you will wake it to the reality and then it wakes everything up. and you realize that pain wasn’t that hard, as it is a part of living, you sleep it over, and the days become easier to bear, as time goes by, you know you still don’t want to feel that feeling again, the feeling of drowning, but you still keep remembering it each time you fell into the same situation, that kind of scar gets attached to you with each moment you take your breath, you inhale and you still feel afraid when will be the last exhale, but you live, and live and live.. and you survive by living.. you survive by loving …”

Eva Al-Sunna'
“And one day if you find yourself hating someone who was so dear to you out of sudden, is just because you loved them enormously and they hurt you so much that your heart quits trying to mend its own pieces. You once loved them so much that their venom killed your heart and sat it on fire.” 

— Eva Michael. S
“People don’t always fall for the looks; not for how beautiful your shell looks, but for the inside. They fall in love with the eyes, that are the direct doors to your own soul. with the prolonged eye contact they await to feel. And I said feel cause this far behind the eyes, lies everything you feel, and everything you want to say.” 

— Eva Michael .S
“And I walked to the balcony door as I was sipping the coffee of my favourite mug, I got out and I looked around me, only thoughts of growing older and blinder got crowded inside my head. When did we become so self centred that we forgot the beauty of the blue skies painted with a blush of white clouds, when did we become so numb that we cant feel the warmth of the sun on our skin, when did we become so shallow that we never heard the hollow of the falling leaves hitting the mist-ful ground, the beauty and the wisdom behind those falling leaves. Maybe that's another part of growing up, I never saw it as growing up cause as we grow older we become more numb, weaker in senses, shallow at mind and heart. ”

 — Eva Al-Sunna’
I lost myself in literature and poems, to find you there, in every word I strike, between every line I read, I find you there.”

— Eva Al-Sunna’
Its no harm, trust me I wish I can spill my ink inside your cold and hot heart, you had got me lost into a maze of thoughts that I cant myself escape from, my head gets easily tipsy; drunken on the though of you, my blood rushes through my veins and blossoms on my white cheeks flushing like roses, My coffee tastes nothing but your bitter-sweet pheromones. I longed to see the drunken texts from you a little bit more of a longed conversation struck between us , your sober words you speak drunkenly, and if you've ever been high, I will await those words to be spilled out of your bloody lips, your wicked cheeky game you play, I want to know it all. I just want you to tell me all of this.”
— Eva .S