Diaries of March

This is how it really goes, you really never get where its taking you, the darkest days, the changing seasons, they always lead you to where you're thinking, its always like this, since childhood, I never understood that concept, but I was really suspicious of what it was, now I realize, I see this is where the dark path leads you, where the rock bottom takes you, Life takes you away from home, away from beloveds, to something better, there is a good sequence of rhythmic waves, you're maybe lost, afraid, you think its the end of your life, the end of the good in your life, but by then after the dark nights pass, you will come to the light, to the secret behind the misery, you will never get it, you're apart but into another better station, it really happens for a reason, this is the secret of life, the power of a thought, that you do create, and shine. You live and you take what people give you, many kinds of music, their taste, their lyrics, after hating memories they

People, they always know the tiniest ways to let you down, after raising you really high, maybe this is how it goes, this is the essence of life, is to get smacked by persons to learn, or more specific to survive and live, we all know that we really cant let them go and live by ourselves, they are the interactions that live through us, they are the energy that boasts our egos, some days they take our hands and lead us to light, other times they take us to the darkest forests and dump us there, scared and lost, this kind of interactions splits your inner thoughts, and misleads your brain, a new confusion between black and white, between love and hatred, you are no longer able to distinguish between right and wrong, schizophrenic moments of complete blurriness. unable to say goodbye even by knowing its a must, a concept of time value of time, a lesson in life, they always tend to go, they knew how to get you to paradise, after applying time value concept, they leave you in your insecur

I really cant believe that we are almost in the second half of 2012, its almost over, growing up was a must, changing views was the only obedient friend that always stuck by my side, not only physically but some kind of mentally growing up, Another new concept of time value of Time, its passing, and its doing so by running faster than a marathon player, faster than blue shiny lightning, 2 minutes that used to count so long, 2 hours that used to feel like years, one week that was far away from our simple vision is actually changing with time, another year passed by the beautiful earth spinning all around the energetic sun, you look in the mirror and see,maybe the same figure of yourself, but a whole another definition of your soul, you either grow apart form this body, in a faster rhythm or you fell and get lost in time,hand in hand with your body,  as we become closer to the end of this year, just like any other, we think, reconcile, imagine, and resolute. sometimes being lost in time

And I wake up everyday in grace for the things I have had, and I do have something is lost, a room escape of my daydreaming, one key is missing, one motivational idea, encouraging feeling that flows from inside, is lost just like my lungs awaits for the smoke of a cigarette, this is exactly how I feel about you, poisonous but wanted, I want to feel again, not the paradise of happiness, nor the bottom line of depression but rather than this all, the euphoric sense of tragedy and drama, a strong smell of perfume, that might mist-fully make you feel like suffocating, but still awakens your heart tubes Lost in time and in words, I feel the midnight's depression following me all along, keeping me alert and brainlessly awake, as my fingers hits the musical melody, my brain goes deeper in sleep the slow beats of the delicate heart, pumps the vibes inside, flowing streams of blood refresh the soul and leave my body asleep in time Oh how I wish for the ending of this world, all t

Maybe I sounded crazy and disconnected, but I felt it the scented air as I walk through the building, Couldn't even control the craziness to hide it though hard as stones to the bloody strings facts that are delusional, but I miss you I miss a lie, a drop of rain, a sound of thunder impending happiness adjacent to the edge, counting days to finish it up, finish us up  dreams are shown mistakenly I lay down to the sweet sin of life I bow down to desires  yet I stand up so high to pride, Mixed indescribable feelings charge the air I breath  I've been there before, I've been there,  I felt okay remembering the situation, the hard lessons that burned my skin and left un-demolished scars of life, what else can I say, to what I know that lays in the future to what I knew before its going to be life after you again,  the only thing remains the same is the sentence but a different you a joyful, desiring, sinful, forbidden, energetic,kind appearance, to be b

Not only to you my loveliest mornings, but to my inner self that denied all the matters and dreamed about dispensing lies and illusions, I can never forget the excitements, each fresh morning

"I don't care about "us" anymore". another journey of finding self, a manipulation of games played in the bare ground of harsh-beautiful life, 

This is it, the way it goes is so simple, from the very beginning, as a child, you grow with the idea, that eveything  you relate to, everyone youre friends with, every play ground you play at, belongs to you,  the laughter the moments, the ideas, the dreams, they grow within yourself, thinking it all belongs to only you, you plant it, take care of it, water it every now and then, that play ground you used to share moments of innocence at, having your friends, your own people playing around you, even if the seasons change, you think it will always be the same, and this little dirt on your shirt from the playground will always stain there on your hands, on your clothes, the faces you're used to see sometimes around, will always light up your way, summer euphoric nights, the paradise of blue sky, though the little changes occur, you never realize it might hit you once in all, you grow up after couple of years to a sign on your play ground saying, " This place is under construct

I barely remember that moment, me on the roof of our house, laying on the dirty ground, the summer rays break my sight, warmth heat fills my heart, the longing moments of nothingness, happiness is what I miss the most of all, the pool was so small, barely we used to fit inside, but it was more joyful than people, money, our days now, it was our treasure, Its not the innocence I miss the most, its the powerful trust we strongly used to radiate effortlessly, those lovely bird sounds, that used to hit the fabric ceiling, this blind hope we were born with, our shiny little dreams, our pure faith. The only time we were completely naked from adolescence and adulthood burdens, lies, wounds.

Sometimes, I really forget how much I hate my family, no seriously all this crap they load my shoulders with And yes I did think about running away sometimes, this might seem the most silly decision ever but yes its on my list, I hate them to the extent that I cant act normally with them being here, of course I do NOT include my mother from this all, I don't think I will be here writing if she wasn't with me in this all, although sometimes she gets on my nerves but I swear I'm ready to give her my soul, I always pray God to take years from my life and then add  it to hers she means the world to me if not more, but the rest of the family are just crap in the hood, they are dusty, rusty, black, foggy, negative, cold I can say everything that doesn't make you feel good, that's what they are! they always get on my nerves! ALWAYS, and sometimes I do drive myself to forget and get used to this, but its all keep on showing up, They never thought about me -Thinking about c

It was so hard, knowing what I want, deciding which way to step into I lost alot, 

I tell people if you aren't getting the results you want, then you aren't clear inside. - Joe Vitale 

I was shocked myself, I didn't realize that until a very later hour of the night, I used to come running to see those pictures, those pictures that were buried by time, and covered by the dust of oblivion, I was shocked not because I have changed, but by the carelessness I felt towards those pictures, I didn't even bother to check them, to see my picture, or ours, I never did that before, utterly weird but true, those pictures were somehow a memorable shadow, a dark ghost that haunts my graveyard, and remembering by now, how I conflicted myself, and denied many things to believe the lies you used to tell , now I'm seeing the same figures of the past, I'm awake, I'm in control, just like lucid dreaming I know, this is reality and that is a show, those pictures never lose their meanings, those valuable moments in time will never be lost, as much as human beings lose meaning of love, respect, compassion and trust. 

"What's worse, new wounds which are so painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not always the case is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again."

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” — Dale Carnegie

Memories cause you heartache, they are pictures that never change, smells that never fade, and people we used to knock their doors in the middle of the night awaiting for comfort, hot summer days that always felt the same, breezy and pure , cold winter nights that felt cozy with their presense, the taste of the food while dining, to move on doesnt mean to throw the pictures away, or burn them, to move on is to lock them with a secure locker and throw its key deep in the ocean, to let it go doesnt mean closing the doors, but knowing well they’ve been broken once, to let go means being strong enough to throw the key, and to fix the door, to let go is to grow stronger”

By then, you lose all meanings of human good deeds, human good interactions, by then you move to a phase where you cannot really think about good intentions, you lose the meaning of good people around, and jump into a phase where you only know that within each person lies a bad, wicked, unrelieved hatred, you close your eyes to the good things, you close your eyes and realize there are much more secrets hidden inside their hearts and brains, all the good meanings and energies you as an innocent child used to believe in, start to lose their meanings and fade by time, the meaning of love, friendship, partnership, those were lies told to us to think people can be good, can love you, can sacrifice much for you, but eventually  you step into a higher level of reality, the only stable reality that focuses on you, only you. After a while, you start to meet them again, you laugh, you do the daily-checklist with them, but at the end of the day, down on the list, you only choose the comfortable

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfj8d36qrk8&list=PL3666F5DD61E96B6D&index=0&feature=plcp  

I never thought I might experience this, but I knew it, it was there outside, standing at my doorstep, knocking,,, I decided to ignore, I decided to hold on, I realized carefully and patently, how easier it is now to let go, where back in time I couldn't bear the idea , but the strings that attached my heart, got really tired, the chains that used to tie friendships by all meaning of innocent love, with no conditional efforts, the soulful friendship chains become loose, rotten, dark, rusty enough to be broken, I regret, though I hate to admit this, the five years of my life, the five years wasted on lies, now I can say trusting people is a matter of insanity, human beings are destructive, evil and self loving creatures, I lost my trust in all the meanings of friendship, love, good deeds done by others, I only can see now, is the negative nature is a only  a reflection of human beings thoughts, I only trust God, nature, myself, at least the three of those, promised something and

And then, the lies you really used to believe, are now uncovered, clear, known, you wish you can say more than what youre writing but you prefer to hold it back, you deny yourself beliefs to reach to a lie told by their sweet lips, not a deaf to lies anymore, I can tell now, which matters and which doesnt, I love you the most, my soulful soul, my prettiest illusion, my dearest family member, I love you enough to realize the illusion you created around me, a part of me still struggles on your tombstone, crying and weeping, for you to come back to life, but the grave yard is a real one, deep inside my heart, Im not shocked, no but I thought, Im still the same special person like I used to be around you; but when "you" isnt the same, I cant relate myself anymore, to you. I wish I can say more, but no words to describe the mixed feelings I got, I wish 

Because I lose myself too much in the pictures, I forbid myself to see, to feel or even to remember, by finding blinded activities, that are senseless, emotionless and full of lies, I want so bad to go back and see, and therefore I find myself cuffed with the chains of pain, unable to move back, or even to look there,  a heavy breath I try to inhale surrounded by motionless fears,  consumed by the thoughts of miserable childhood that left me without a sparkle of trust of any human being, or by the unconditional excessive love that left me in pain and fear of moving forward, painted by nightmares of losing my origin, my parents, my beloved ones, of losing myself  a heavy river of negative feelings shakes my memory, of a lonely child, that have been left alone, repressed with her own thoughts, of carelessness of surroundings, repressed hatred she struggled, Unheard words she used to shout, to no avail, each time, I change the way of thinking, I know, I realize that I should carefu

To reach up for the new, you must let go of the old. What lies behind you is not nearly as important as what lies in front of you. Everything you’ve been through was preparation for where you are right now…” — Joel Osteen  One of my fav quotes ever 

Couldn't really describe the feeling, it was going normally, woke up that morning, had my cup of morning coffee, and drove my way to the other home; some place Im forced to be at, everyday for four years in a raw, I had an imaginary scene of how this day will be, but never thought it might come so soon, I payed my 750 fils and I parked my car, called my friend, met her, and had the first lecture, some friend of school days showed up, she's a really good mate, we took pictures, we laughed, they attended their lectures and I went to meet other friends, on my way, I looked down, the streets, the buildings, the glass, the weather, the trees, everything around me, became a part of my past, part of the picture, Oh how I wish I can go back in time, and start all over again, even with those worst days, bad moods, unfaithful friends and out of comfort zone people, the tests, the exams, every thing related to those four years, this is the part of growing up, while you're doing it y