I am lost in life somehow

Because I lose myself too much in the pictures, I forbid myself to see, to feel or even to remember, by finding blinded activities, that are senseless, emotionless and full of lies, I want so bad to go back and see, and therefore I find myself cuffed with the chains of pain, unable to move back, or even to look there, 
a heavy breath I try to inhale surrounded by motionless fears, 
consumed by the thoughts of miserable childhood that left me without a sparkle of trust of any human being, or by the unconditional excessive love that left me in pain and fear of moving forward, painted by nightmares of losing my origin, my parents, my beloved ones, of losing myself 
a heavy river of negative feelings shakes my memory, of a lonely child, that have been left alone, repressed with her own thoughts, of carelessness of surroundings, repressed hatred she struggled, Unheard words she used to shout, to no avail,
each time, I change the way of thinking, I know, I realize that I should carefully choose my thoughts, but sometimes helplessness erupts, by then I find myself writing, remembering, stumbling and even falling into the oceans of memories, and  walking through the unknown future that scared the most in me, 
but I see myself moving forward, I will be walking ……