Diaries of March

By then, you lose all meanings of human good deeds, human good interactions, by then you move to a phase where you cannot really think about good intentions, you lose the meaning of good people around, and jump into a phase where you only know that within each person lies a bad, wicked, unrelieved hatred, you close your eyes to the good things, you close your eyes and realize there are much more secrets hidden inside their hearts and brains, all the good meanings and energies you as an innocent child used to believe in, start to lose their meanings and fade by time, the meaning of love, friendship, partnership, those were lies told to us to think people can be good, can love you, can sacrifice much for you, but eventually  you step into a higher level of reality, the only stable reality that focuses on you, only you. After a while, you start to meet them again, you laugh, you do the daily-checklist with them, but at the end of the day, down on the list, you only choose the comfort...

I never thought I might experience this, but I knew it, it was there outside, standing at my doorstep, knocking,,, I decided to ignore, I decided to hold on, I realized carefully and patently, how easier it is now to let go, where back in time I couldn't bear the idea , but the strings that attached my heart, got really tired, the chains that used to tie friendships by all meaning of innocent love, with no conditional efforts, the soulful friendship chains become loose, rotten, dark, rusty enough to be broken, I regret, though I hate to admit this, the five years of my life, the five years wasted on lies, now I can say trusting people is a matter of insanity, human beings are destructive, evil and self loving creatures, I lost my trust in all the meanings of friendship, love, good deeds done by others, I only can see now, is the negative nature is a only  a reflection of human beings thoughts, I only trust God, nature, myself, at least the three of those, promised some...

And then, the lies you really used to believe, are now uncovered, clear, known, you wish you can say more than what youre writing but you prefer to hold it back, you deny yourself beliefs to reach to a lie told by their sweet lips, not a deaf to lies anymore, I can tell now, which matters and which doesnt, I love you the most, my soulful soul, my prettiest illusion, my dearest family member, I love you enough to realize the illusion you created around me, a part of me still struggles on your tombstone, crying and weeping, for you to come back to life, but the grave yard is a real one, deep inside my heart, Im not shocked, no but I thought, Im still the same special person like I used to be around you; but when "you" isnt the same, I cant relate myself anymore, to you. I wish I can say more, but no words to describe the mixed feelings I got, I wish