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I am lost in life somehow

There are too many things I am capable of doing, But I really cant seem to get any done, I do not even try, I believe I have depression, not a severe case, but at least I know I took some of the genes ( unfortunately ) from my father who seems to have it to a very complicated and severe case, I don’t know if this is the crisis of 20’s, or its only something I suffer from, I cant seem to find a path, its all blurry and dark, I am always confused and indecisive whether I want this or I don’t. I wake up everyday feeling useless, my mind is always a blank, I sip my morning coffee and think about the outfit of the day for work, nothing interesting or exciting, just boring routine every single day, and each time I want to quit smoking I find myself more indulged into the idea of dying early, I already have nothing and no one to cling on, I have a gift I do not use, or to be more precise I am not inspired enough to use it. I am out of ideas, and there is where I hit rock bottom. I am curren
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I never thought I might experience this, but I knew it, it was there outside, standing at my doorstep, knocking,,, I decided to ignore, I decided to hold on, I realized carefully and patently, how easier it is now to let go, where back in time I couldn't bear the idea , but the strings that attached my heart, got really tired, the chains that used to tie friendships by all meaning of innocent love, with no conditional efforts, the soulful friendship chains become loose, rotten, dark, rusty enough to be broken, I regret, though I hate to admit this, the five years of my life, the five years wasted on lies, now I can say trusting people is a matter of insanity, human beings are destructive, evil and self loving creatures, I lost my trust in all the meanings of friendship, love, good deeds done by others, I only can see now, is the negative nature is a only  a reflection of human beings thoughts, I only trust God, nature, myself, at least the three of those, promised something and
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Inner self

By then, you lose all meanings of human good deeds, human good interactions, by then you move to a phase where you cannot really think about good intentions, you lose the meaning of good people around, and jump into a phase where you only know that within each person lies a bad, wicked, unrelieved hatred, you close your eyes to the good things, you close your eyes and realize there are much more secrets hidden inside their hearts and brains, all the good meanings and energies you as an innocent child used to believe in, start to lose their meanings and fade by time, the meaning of love, friendship, partnership, those were lies told to us to think people can be good, can love you, can sacrifice much for you, but eventually  you step into a higher level of reality, the only stable reality that focuses on you, only you. After a while, you start to meet them again, you laugh, you do the daily-checklist with them, but at the end of the day, down on the list, you only choose the comfortable
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