Diaries of March

There are too many things I am capable of doing, But I really cant seem to get any done, I do not even try, I believe I have depression, not a severe case, but at least I know I took some of the genes ( unfortunately ) from my father who seems to have it to a very complicated and severe case, I don’t know if this is the crisis of 20’s, or its only something I suffer from, I cant seem to find a path, its all blurry and dark, I am always confused and indecisive whether I want this or I don’t. I wake up everyday feeling useless, my mind is always a blank, I sip my morning coffee and think about the outfit of the day for work, nothing interesting or exciting, just boring routine every single day, and each time I want to quit smoking I find myself more indulged into the idea of dying early, I already have nothing and no one to cling on, I have a gift I do not use, or to be more precise I am not inspired enough to use it. I am out of ideas, and there is where I hit rock bottom. I am curren...

“I have healed, though it took me a very long time to feel good again, to feel like I am worth the breaths I take, I healed… I spent a very long time thinking about my insecurities, drowning in my fears and nightmares, of the thoughts that you will be gone, and far away from me, I actually healed but not completely, I still feel the reminiscences of your smell all over my senses, your fragility, your bipolarity, your everything is on my skin,I was forced to let go, and I healed again, going back then, it felt like you’re tied to a very huge anchor and thrown into the deep ocean, you struggle, cry and you panic, thinking you will be exhaling the very last breaths of air, and in those coming moments, you surrender leaving it all behind, and in those moments of peace, your heart rests and your brain shuts off, a complete surrender to the peace inside, and by surprise you will wake it to the reality and then it wakes everything up. and you realize that pain wasn’t that hard, as it is a pa...

“And one day if you find yourself hating someone who was so dear to you out of sudden, is just because you loved them enormously and they hurt you so much that your heart quits trying to mend its own pieces. You once loved them so much that their venom killed your heart and sat it on fire.”  — Eva Michael. S

“People don’t always fall for the looks; not for how beautiful your shell looks, but for the inside. They fall in love with the eyes, that are the direct doors to your own soul. with the prolonged eye contact they await to feel. And I said feel cause this far behind the eyes, lies everything you feel, and everything you want to say.”  — Eva Michael .S

“And I walked to the balcony door as I was sipping the coffee of my favourite mug, I got out and I looked around me, only thoughts of growing older and blinder got crowded inside my head. When did we become so self centred that we forgot the beauty of the blue skies painted with a blush of white clouds, when did we become so numb that we cant feel the warmth of the sun on our skin, when did we become so shallow that we never heard the hollow of the falling leaves hitting the mist-ful ground, the beauty and the wisdom behind those falling leaves. Maybe that's another part of growing up, I never saw it as growing up cause as we grow older we become more numb, weaker in senses, shallow at mind and heart. ”  — Eva Al-Sunna’

I lost myself in literature and poems, to find you there, in every word I strike, between every line I read, I find you there.” — Eva Al-Sunna’

Its no harm, trust me I wish I can spill my ink inside your cold and hot heart, you had got me lost into a maze of thoughts that I cant myself escape from, my head gets easily tipsy; drunken on the though of you, my blood rushes through my veins and blossoms on my white cheeks flushing like roses, My coffee tastes nothing but your bitter-sweet pheromones. I longed to see the drunken texts from you a little bit more of a longed conversation struck between us , your sober words you speak drunkenly, and if you've ever been high, I will await those words to be spilled out of your bloody lips, your wicked cheeky game you play, I want to know it all. I just want you to tell me all of this.” — Eva .S

This is how it really goes, you really never get where its taking you, the darkest days, the changing seasons, they always lead you to where you're thinking, its always like this, since childhood, I never understood that concept, but I was really suspicious of what it was, now I realize, I see this is where the dark path leads you, where the rock bottom takes you, Life takes you away from home, away from beloveds, to something better, there is a good sequence of rhythmic waves, you're maybe lost, afraid, you think its the end of your life, the end of the good in your life, but by then after the dark nights pass, you will come to the light, to the secret behind the misery, you will never get it, you're apart but into another better station, it really happens for a reason, this is the secret of life, the power of a thought, that you do create, and shine. You live and you take what people give you, many kinds of music, their taste, their lyrics, after hating memories th...

People, they always know the tiniest ways to let you down, after raising you really high, maybe this is how it goes, this is the essence of life, is to get smacked by persons to learn, or more specific to survive and live, we all know that we really cant let them go and live by ourselves, they are the interactions that live through us, they are the energy that boasts our egos, some days they take our hands and lead us to light, other times they take us to the darkest forests and dump us there, scared and lost, this kind of interactions splits your inner thoughts, and misleads your brain, a new confusion between black and white, between love and hatred, you are no longer able to distinguish between right and wrong, schizophrenic moments of complete blurriness. unable to say goodbye even by knowing its a must, a concept of time value of time, a lesson in life, they always tend to go, they knew how to get you to paradise, after applying time value concept, they leave you in your insecur...

I really cant believe that we are almost in the second half of 2012, its almost over, growing up was a must, changing views was the only obedient friend that always stuck by my side, not only physically but some kind of mentally growing up, Another new concept of time value of Time, its passing, and its doing so by running faster than a marathon player, faster than blue shiny lightning, 2 minutes that used to count so long, 2 hours that used to feel like years, one week that was far away from our simple vision is actually changing with time, another year passed by the beautiful earth spinning all around the energetic sun, you look in the mirror and see,maybe the same figure of yourself, but a whole another definition of your soul, you either grow apart form this body, in a faster rhythm or you fell and get lost in time,hand in hand with your body,  as we become closer to the end of this year, just like any other, we think, reconcile, imagine, and resolute. sometimes bein...

And I wake up everyday in grace for the things I have had, and I do have something is lost, a room escape of my daydreaming, one key is missing, one motivational idea, encouraging feeling that flows from inside, is lost just like my lungs awaits for the smoke of a cigarette, this is exactly how I feel about you, poisonous but wanted, I want to feel again, not the paradise of happiness, nor the bottom line of depression but rather than this all, the euphoric sense of tragedy and drama, a strong smell of perfume, that might mist-fully make you feel like suffocating, but still awakens your heart tubes Lost in time and in words, I feel the midnight's depression following me all along, keeping me alert and brainlessly awake, as my fingers hits the musical melody, my brain goes deeper in sleep the slow beats of the delicate heart, pumps the vibes inside, flowing streams of blood refresh the soul and leave my body asleep in time Oh how I wish for t...

Maybe I sounded crazy and disconnected, but I felt it the scented air as I walk through the building, Couldn't even control the craziness to hide it though hard as stones to the bloody strings facts that are delusional, but I miss you I miss a lie, a drop of rain, a sound of thunder impending happiness adjacent to the edge, counting days to finish it up, finish us up  dreams are shown mistakenly I lay down to the sweet sin of life I bow down to desires  yet I stand up so high to pride, Mixed indescribable feelings charge the air I breath  I've been there before, I've been there,  I felt okay remembering the situation, the hard lessons that burned my skin and left un-demolished scars of life, what else can I say, to what I know that lays in the future to what I knew before its going to be life after you again,  the only thing remains the same is the sentence but a different you a...

Not only to you my loveliest mornings, but to my inner self that denied all the matters and dreamed about dispensing lies and illusions, I can never forget the excitements, each fresh morning

"I don't care about "us" anymore". another journey of finding self, a manipulation of games played in the bare ground of harsh-beautiful life, 

This is it, the way it goes is so simple, from the very beginning, as a child, you grow with the idea, that eveything  you relate to, everyone youre friends with, every play ground you play at, belongs to you,  the laughter the moments, the ideas, the dreams, they grow within yourself, thinking it all belongs to only you, you plant it, take care of it, water it every now and then, that play ground you used to share moments of innocence at, having your friends, your own people playing around you, even if the seasons change, you think it will always be the same, and this little dirt on your shirt from the playground will always stain there on your hands, on your clothes, the faces you're used to see sometimes around, will always light up your way, summer euphoric nights, the paradise of blue sky, though the little changes occur, you never realize it might hit you once in all, you grow up after couple of years to a sign on your play ground saying, " This...

I barely remember that moment, me on the roof of our house, laying on the dirty ground, the summer rays break my sight, warmth heat fills my heart, the longing moments of nothingness, happiness is what I miss the most of all, the pool was so small, barely we used to fit inside, but it was more joyful than people, money, our days now, it was our treasure, Its not the innocence I miss the most, its the powerful trust we strongly used to radiate effortlessly, those lovely bird sounds, that used to hit the fabric ceiling, this blind hope we were born with, our shiny little dreams, our pure faith. The only time we were completely naked from adolescence and adulthood burdens, lies, wounds.

Sometimes, I really forget how much I hate my family, no seriously all this crap they load my shoulders with And yes I did think about running away sometimes, this might seem the most silly decision ever but yes its on my list, I hate them to the extent that I cant act normally with them being here, of course I do NOT include my mother from this all, I don't think I will be here writing if she wasn't with me in this all, although sometimes she gets on my nerves but I swear I'm ready to give her my soul, I always pray God to take years from my life and then add  it to hers she means the world to me if not more, but the rest of the family are just crap in the hood, they are dusty, rusty, black, foggy, negative, cold I can say everything that doesn't make you feel good, that's what they are! they always get on my nerves! ALWAYS, and sometimes I do drive myself to forget and get used to this, but its all keep on showing up, They never ...

It was so hard, knowing what I want, deciding which way to step into I lost alot,